There's Something Rotten in Zenmark

This is a continuing series of postings that will spotlight other naming firms. We think our clients should have a choice, and clearly Eat My Words is not the only naming firm in business.

Next up is the self-proclaimed "Last Word in Naming", Zenmark.

Besides being the last word in naming, they are the first to apply for a patent on a naming process, or should we say a "Verbal Identity Engineering Process."

Really. No joke. They did it. Here is an excerpt from the press release:

Zenmark Brand Engineering, Inc. announced today that the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) has received and acknowledged the company's patent application filing for its invention of a unique and innovative creative development process in the area of product, service, and company naming. Zenmark's Verbal Identity Engineering (Patent Pending) process has proven to revolutionize the naming industry by applying a rigorous and repeatable methodology to the often unstructured and undisciplined process of brand name creation.

"Our engineered approach combines art with science, which is entirely new to naming," said Greg Balla, president of Zenmark. "By adding scientific scrutiny to the process of legal analysis, linguistic assessment, and market testing, it gives clients more confidence that the names they ultimately choose will be the ideal vessels for their verbal identity and the most solid infrastructure for building brand equity.

Wow.

We have a few questions:

1. Do you want a naming company to apply a rigorous and repeatable methodology to your naming project? Does it sound even remotely creative? We want our dentist to apply a rigorous and repeatable methodology to cleaning our teeth, but that's about it.
2. What's wrong with being unstructured and undisciplined? We embrace it. The best names come from non-linear thinking.
3. Proven to revolutionize the naming industry? According to whom?
4. "What on earth is adding scientific scrutiny to the process of legal analysis, linguistics and market testing? Scientists are not good namers.
5. We would love to take a look at the patent application, but we can't find it in the USPTO database. According to the Patent Office it takes 1.5 to 2.5 years to get a patent. Zenmark applied in May 2005, so.....

This (patent pending) process is so revolutionary and unique that Zenmark warns...yes warns potential clients that:

"Zenmark’s Verbal Identity Engineering (patent pending) Process can currently be shared with you and your team only under non-disclosure. Federal law prohibits any unbound discussion of the trade-secret details involved in the Zenmark Design Team’s unique creative development in the area of naming and branding."

We share mints with our clients and never threaten them with federal statutes.

OK, so what does all this double-talk and folderal about engineering and scientific scrutiny get you?

The Zenmark Portfolio!

• Airave
• Afaria
• Amicor
• Applimation
• Audistry
• Certiport
• Evoltra (anyone else think of revolting when reading this name?)
• Explorist
• Fusic
• HipTop
• Jurni
• LifeDrive
• MassTrans
• Mobshop
• NetVein
• Print 2.0 (Nothing like immediately time-stamping a client's name.)
• RoadMate
• SabreSonic
• Suvus
• Trax
• Vistrio
• Wellbound
• XOHM (Read our previous post about this howler which is a leading contender for the worst name of 2008)
• Zoove

So that's what a rigorous and repeatable methodology buys you. On the other hand, if you want a name that is free-wheeling and unique like Neato home cleaning robots, Spoon Me frozen yogurt, Cake Financial, Frigid ice cream or Monkey Dunks dips for kids, give us a call.